This is an official brief from your superiors on the actions comprised in the last week revolving around the top secret mission that our agency was involved in. Although our mission has been completed we are still tying up loose ends and therefore this is still to be classified as top secret information until otherwise noted. Below you will find the details of the mission, how it played out, and its successes and failures.
- We intended to gather intelligence on Vladimir Putin in many different forms regarding many different aspects of his life, but most importantly his addiction to Canadian Maple syrup. Specifically speaking one of our agents brought a social media post to our attention that Putin put on his facebook in which was pictured many bottles of Canadian maple syrup. This obviously came across here at the agency as a connection between Canada and Russia, so we went to investigate. Included below is the photo in question.
We could tell instantly that this was taken in Putins yard as we have been monitoring him for years, and you can see the snow covering the ground which is just another connection the Canadians and Russians have in common. What came as a surprise for us was that the maple syrup was actually nothing but a cover up for Putins true tie to Canada, HOCKEY!
It was a slap in the face to see how much interest Putin had in the sport and how we had just totally missed it. This turned out to be the main driving factor that brought the two countries together, and the leaders of each country had bonded over the sport on many occasions.
2. Next was the topic of the “Little Orange Man” that we were told frightens the Russians so much and how much they dislike not only the color orange but also oranges in general. After brief research our agents were able to determine hat the Little Orange Man was actually Donald Trump, the recently elected president of the United States. Here is the photo evidence we were able to obtain.
And with a little bit of mash up techniques the agency was able to render a version of Trump that would really terrify the Russians, which we may use as anti Russian propaganda in the future or perhaps scare tactics.
We were also able to gather information in regards to where the Russians have tried to grow oranges. It turns out that they have tried over 8 separate times to start orange farms in the country and each one has failed, which fueled their hatred for the fruit even more intense.
3. Now that we had plenty of evidence in regards to the Little Orange Man, the Russians ties with the Canadians, and information about their intense hatred for anything orange it was time to finally try and gather evidence that the two countries were conspiring with each other. We managed to intercept a message between the two which was very startling. Listen below.
In this conversation they speak about taking over America and our orange farms. I would recommend that every agent use their general spy knowledge and supplement with their field guides in order to decipher this code.
In conclusion it is clear to see that the Russians and Canadians have been hard at work scheming against America. This information has obviously been presented to the president who is now working on how to handle the situation, but we obviously wanted to keep all of our agents in the loop as well. Carry on.
Agent Man Bear Pig