The time has arrived. We have been hearing rumors of the events comprised in this letter for months, so those in charge have deemed it time to brief you on the current situation. As you may be aware, we have sufficient information proving a collusion between Canada and Russia. Yes that is correct, they are working together and here is what we know.
- The Canadians actually contacted the Russians first. Their cooperation began based off of reports from Canada that “a little orange man is taking over North America and we need help”.
- We know that the Russians despise the color orange, and have a general distaste as a population for citrus fruits, so they immediately agreed to aide their Canadian friends.
- Also a new development on the topic has informed us that Vladimir Putin absolutely loves maple syrup, almost to the point of severe addiction, therefore he is gaining much more than an ally in this deal but a direct source to some of the most pure and valuable maple syrup in the world.
- Lastly we have been told that their goal as a group is to shut down American factories and businesses, take over the country together, and form a Russida world power. (It may be called Canussia, we are unsure at this point)
All of these things are obviously troublesome, so we must take action immediately in order to solve this serious problem before it gets even worse. Our plan of attack is detailed below, please review it carefully and know how you can provide support to this operation as the work begins next week.
- We must gather more information about two things, first being Vladimir Putins addiction to maple syrup, and second being the “little orange man” who is scaring Canada so much. I expect detailed briefs on both of these topics as a written assignment due on my desk by next week.
- We need visual evidence of the Russians hatred for oranges. Is there anything orange in their country at all? Has Vladimir ever worn any orange colored clothing? If they were to attack American orange production facilities or other citrus fruit plants where would they strike? I need numerous pieces of photographical evidence as a visual assignment by next week at the latest.
- Lastly we need to try our best to capture evidence of the communications occurring between these two countries. They could be using Morse code, written communication methods, or just plain talking to each other. No matter what it is I expect this mashup to be presented to me immediately as it is of the utmost concern.
You have been given your mission agents, now carry it out with haste and due diligence. We can not let America be taken over by this wretched cooperation of evil powers.
Agent Man Bear Pig